I Predict 2007

Boxjam's Doodle, by Boxjam

Boxjam’s Doodle, by the Great Blue One

The last month of the year is a time for quiet, thoughtful introspection and cautiously optimistic speculation on the year to come. Unless you’re writing for a computer magazine, in which case introspection be damned — and as far as speculation goes, caution is for techno-sissies.

In that vein I have decided to put forward my own list of predictions for the year 2007. Ten of them, to be exact: and I promise that my list of predictions is every bit as reliable as any other predictions list you’ll read this month.

So without further ado:

EVISCERATI.ORG’S TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2007

1. Computers will continue to require electricity

Despite dire warnings about global warming, the thinning ozone layer, the increase of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, depleted oil supplies, rising gas prices, and political turmoil in the Middle East, computer manufacturers will continue to refuse to explore ways of liberating the computer from its ever-present yoke, a power supply.

Electricity has always been a part of computing — it predates the introduction of the IBM PC 5100 in 1975. Why the computer industry insists on being shackled to technology that has been present since 1800 is beyond me. Surely after all this time our best and brightest can come up with a way to make computers work without relying on the laws of physics.

2. Web 3.0 will take the consulting market by storm

Web 3.0, the successor to Web 2.0, will make waves and become the Next Big Thing to hit the internet scene. Companies will hire a new wave of internet-savvy consultants in order to help them understand how best to integrate all the new Web 3.0 buzzwords and catch-phrases into their corporate patois. One of the biggest advantages of pushing Web 3.0, of course, is that it will be no longer necessary to try to explain exactly what the heck Web 2.0 is. Unfortunately, the new problem will be trying to explain what Web 3.0 is — no-one will know, although vague references to “rounded corners on web sites” will still be a part of it.

3. Richard Stallman will piss somebody off

Richard Stallman, founder of the Free Software Foundation and father of the free software movement, will say something that will piss someone off. It will probably have something to do with DRM, though it may also involve an improper use of the GPL, or why people who don’t use the GPL are a pack of immoral bastard gits.

The whole sordid affair will be posted on Slashdot, and the comments section will be split 45-45-10 between “Thank God Richard Stallman is here to protect us,” “Thank God Richard Stallman is irrelevant and can’t do us any harm,” and “There is no God, Cthulhu is My Master.”

4. Computer Journalists Will Make More Lists

CRN, the news site that provides vital information for VARs and Technology Integrators, will give Microsoft Vista it’s “Best Operating System of 2007” award in its 2007 Top 10 List next December. This will occur even as it acknowledges that it already gave Vista the Best Operating System of 2006 award in December of 2006. The rationale for this award will be that “it’s really the only game in town.”

When asked what criteria they used in order to determine how many games were in town, the response will be “Operating Systems created by Microsoft.”

Infoworld, the news site that covers Information Technology news, will publish a December aticle with the title “InfoWorld’s 8 predictions for ’08.” It will be filled with hockey references and contain five actual predictions, three of which are “Microsoft Vista’s first patch will be the single most defining moment of the new year, including the Presidential Elections,” “Apple will go bankrupt because of iTunes,” and “Apple will become evne more rich because of iTunes.”

John Dvorak will predict that Microsoft will frame Richard Stallman for conpsiracy to commit terrorist acts against the United States in order to discredit the Free Software movement.

5. Microsoft will frame Richard Stallman for conspiracy to commit terrorist acts against the United States in order to discredit the Free Software movement

In semi-related news, John Dvorak will get a substantial raise.

6. Linus Torvalds will call someone or something “stupid” and “a collossal waste of time”

Linus Torvalds, the progenitor and mostly-benevolent overseer of the Linux kernel, will lose patience with someone who isn’t as smart as he is and will belittle the person or the idea the person is putting forward in an email on the Linux kernel development mailing list. This email will be posted on Slashdot. Comments on Slashdot will be split 40-40-20 between “So what? He’s probably right,” “So what? It’s not like he’s your mother or anything,” and “Thank God Richard Stallman didn’t say that.”

7. Slashdot will refuse to acknowledge my greatness

No matter how many times I try, Slashdot will continue to reject any article I submit for front page publication.

8. Blogging will be renamed

All over the web, successful bloggers will decide that the name “Blog” sounds much too childish and unsophisticated to describe what they actually do. They will spend the entire year debating what name should be used instead, and it will soon become clear that so many people do so many things with the bloggin medium that it’s impossible to choose a name that encapsulates all of it. By the end of the year a compromise will be reached and everyone will use Prince’s old ‘Love’ symbol.

Despite this, everyone will still use the word “blog.”

9. Video games will be blamed for everything

Jack Thompson, the Miami attorney who has spent the last ten years crusading against violence in video games, will blame video game violence for the war in Iraq, global warming, and the Democrats taking the House and the Senate.

10. Ted Stevens will be vindicated

Much to the surprise of almost everyone on the planet, United States Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) will be proven correct when he said that the Internet was a Series of Tubes. In an effort to increase the bandwidth available to internet users everywhere, Internet Service Providers will immediately lobby Congress to allow them to replace those tubes with Big Trucks.

thus endeth the prognostication

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