Shadows Part One
“Learning your physical limits is a pretty big part of development, and by the time you’re an adult—which you are—you know how fast you can run, how strong you are, how much pain you can take before things got dangerous. ”
Should got be get?
“try to rebuild it’s understanding of what you can do.”
I think you want its, possessive, here.
“Someone has to have the birds-eye view to make the whole thing work.”
I've usually seen this written as bird's-eye view; the view you'd get from a bird's eye.
Shadows Part Two
Clarence takes the bottle, slides some money across the bar, and asks “you hear about the Hyatt?”
Normally, a line of dialog – even one coming out of a line of description like this – will be capitalized. You'll also often get a comma before it.
“Then, a second later: “good question.””
Same comment about capitalization here.
“while the large man closes the door fully shut behind him.”
Usually one closes a door, or pulls it shut. I don't think I've ever encountered the combination before, though – was it deliberate, or an editing casualty?
“He pours it into the glass, filling it about halfway, and pushes it over the man. ”
Probably over to the man?
“When they reach the door, Jerry pushes it open. Rain and wind blow in to the bar.”
(Looking back, I observe that I already looked over this. Oh dear. Clearly second passes are a Good Thing.)
(Also, I observe that you've gotten quite a lot better even in the – how long ago was this? More than a year? Oh. Well. That would explain that, huh.)
(You have, though. Mind, Shadows is really good. But having just been reading That Which Does Not Dream, I can also see some definite improvement - the later work is a bit more polished. Thought you might want to know. :) )
(Will probably have more later when I reread the second half. Is this the right place to submit editing-type comments on really old [well... old enough that I can't comment on them, at any rate] things, or should I be using the Contact form?)