Comments on Echoes and Consequences

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Rebecca
Comments on Echoes and Consequences

Because I was too slow to get these up while comments were still postable...

Part Two

Very interesting, seemed fine.

Part Three

"Artemis LaFleur is many things, and one of those things is an expert on metahuman physiology. He looks at the monitor," Wouldn't this he grammatically be Artemis? I'm guessing it's Shào, by context.

Shão sometimes has the accent mark and sometimes doesn't.

"He build this place from the ground up, right?" Build should be built.

"The probably sign forms agreeing to it." I believe the should be they.

"You’ve no idea what it setback it’s been, not having you around." It setback should be a setback.

"The top blinks in a rapid red light." I'm not entirely sure this is an error but... could you mean with?

"“but I read what he gave me. “He found overlap between Haruspex Analytics and your people.”" Extra double quotation mark before He.

Also: The Chairman is Evil Artemis! Called it called it called it! ... I think I called it. Did I do so publicly, or was that in the stuff I wrote but never posted? ... oh well. Called it!

Part Four

"It’s large and windowless, it appears to be circular, with a long table running up the middle of the room." There should ideally be an and somewhere in this sentence.

"“I…” all Jason can do is shrug." All should probably be capitalized.

"“You have, over the course of your career, been involved in activities that are…” the Chairman hesitates, choosing his words carefully. “…distasteful.”" I think the should be capitalized. It's a new action - he isn't speaking by hesitating, he's speaking then hesitating.

... yeah. OK. I still think the Chairman is probably Artemis's Evil Twin, except... the way Artemis described it made it sound as if it should be a Thing Of Madness Given Form, and the Chairman is acting like - in his words, a practitioner, albeit an unusually ambitious one. But not an Inhuman Thing. I'm seriously wondering if A) he's not the Evil Twin, or B) he is and evil twin is a more appropriate description than I realized - he's not Artemis's Magic, he's The Side Of Artemis That Made The Opposite Choice. Which would explain still valuing his people, while being, I suspect, significantly more willing to make sacrifices than the... I almost typed real, but if this theory is true then that isn't quite the right word. Than the comparatively-heroic Artemis we've been following for most of the story.

Part Five

"he stands atop a small hill on an island, surrounding by churning, angry waters." Surrounded, I assume?

"For a moment the entire sky is nothing but pure-white, blinding light, and the air is filled with sharp smell of ozone." The sharp smell.

"Cocooning is what happens to metahumans when they first manifest—the body slips into a coma in order to recalibrate. Is that what’s happening now?" Should this be in italics, or is this deliberate?

"Despite freezing rain," Should this be the freezing rain? I'm not sure it has to be.

"My power... the oily rage surges again, as if responding to the thought." The the after power should be capitalized.

"David climbs to his feat," Feet.

"until it is nothing more than than a vague," Extra than.

"His body was trying to adjust to whatever had happened to him on the island," Should this be is and happened? Check tense for this bit.

... OK, this presentation of Artigenian's power makes me even more convinced that the Chairman is not Magic Given Form. Whether that means there's a real Magic Given Form walking around out there or whether it means Artemis's Evil Twin is a bit more Evil-Twin-like and a bit less alien-parasite-like than I had assumed, still up for observation.

That said I really like this. I'm not at all confident that David can do good with it, but he may be able to survive it, which would be good. I like him.

And the formatting is just... really elegant. I can see how it'd be hard to think with all that clamor, all right. >.>

And I need to start posting my theories faster, before they get (semi, OK, very semi) confirmed in the actual text. <.<

C B Wright
I don't recall anyone

I don't recall anyone actually making that claim in the comments, though I often wondered if someone would...

--
Writer, former musician, occasional cartoonist, and noted authority on his own opinions.