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Comic Transcript

SIGN: The 207th annual meeting of the Venerable Order of Legal Professionals. Do Not Disturb.

VOICE: And now presenting our keynote speaker, Viktor Schreck.


VIKTOR SCHRECK: It seems only yesterday that a group of forward-thinking men met by gaslight to form a society dedicated to forwarding the cause of lawyers all over the world. It has been an honor to watch that small group turn into the world-spanning organization it is today, and doubly the honor to have the opportunity to speak before this revered body of legal minds. Thank you, everyone, for giving me the honor of speaking before you tonight.

VIKTOR SCHRECK: I, like you, sat through the evenings preliminary speeches. I shifted uneasily as we heard about the necessity of tort reform, fidgeted while we heard about the need for increased Pro Bono casework, smiled indulgently while the topic of legal ethics was discussed in a passionate but ultimately unpersuasive manner. For my topic tonight I would like to focus on what may be the single most important issue a lawyer will ever face.

VOICE: Padding our hourly rates?

VIKTOR SCHRECK: I was going to say “using the law to do anything you feel like doing at any time,” but I will concede the point.

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