Help Desk

If You Have To Complain You Can’t Afford It

Comic Transcript

JIM WASHINGTON: Even more iPhone news today: some customers are in an uproar over Apple’s battery replacement policy. with me in the studio is Apple spokesman Steve the Paperclip, to clarify Apple’s policy and to respond to these recent attacks. Thank you for joining us, Steve.

STEVE: My pleasure, Jim. Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we?

JIM WASHINGTON: … right. Well, customers have two complaints: the first is that the iPhone battery is impossible for a customer to replace on his or her own because it is soldered directly to the phone and it voids the warranty to even try. Your response?

STEVE: Glad you asked. Apple cares about its customers, and most importantly it cares about making things easy for its customers. Replacing a battery isn’t easy, it’s an exercise in tedium. taking a sleek, attractive iPhone to a sleek, attractive store where sleek, attractive people do all the work for you is easy, however, and our policy simply recognizes this essential fact.

JIM WASHINGTON: What about the second criticism: that the $80 replacement fee, plus an additional $29 service charge if the customer accepts a replacement phone while the original phone is being serviced, is needlessly expensive?

STEVE: Well, if you can’t afford an $80 battery you probably shouldn’t buy a $600 phone.

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