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IANAL

Comic Transcript

MONK: You’re going to defend against a lawsuit brought by the ACLU on the grounds of free speech?

VIKTOR SCHRECK: That is exactly right.

VIKTOR SCHRECK: Due to a venerable perversion of Constitutional Law the Fourteenth Amendment grants corporations all the rights of citizens in the US. So we will claim that the ACLU, in bringing a lawsuit against us for sharing private customer data with the Federal Government, is attempting to suppress our First Amendment Rights.

ALEX: So you’re… what?

KING: That doesn’t sound right at all.

VIKTOR SCHRECK: It is sound legal reasoning.

SCOTT: But the First Amendment only protects citizens against intrusions by the government! It doesn’t offer any kind of protection against private organizations, and the ACLU is a private organization!

VIKTOR SCHRECK: But it is requesting that the government intervene, by way of a lawsuit, in order to get us to change our behavior. Thus the First Amendment comes into place.

(Silence.)

ALEX: Well?

SCOTT: No idea. I’m not a lawyer.

VIKTOR: That is true. I can see your shadow.

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