Help Desk

The Scorched-Earth Policy

Comic Transcript

ALICE: Thank you all for attending our first major tactical meeting of the year. As you know, the theme of this meeting is “there are enemies around every corner.” Can someone please dim the lights?

(Lights dim.)

ALICE: Thank you. Now let’s see the first slide.

ALICE: As you can see in this chart, our earnings exceed our expenses by a wide margin. This is a direct result of rigid fiscal responsibility and untrammelled consumer exploitation. This is very good. Next slide please?

PRESENTATION SCREEN: (Shows a green REVENUE bar rising rapidly up a chart, with a red EXPENSES bar climbing only gradually)

ALICE: However, our Competitive Threat Index shows that we have also seen a sharp rise in the number and aggressiveness of competitors in some of our core markets. This is due in part to the success of Google, the rising popularity in Linux, and the fact that a fair number of people just don’t like us all that much.

PRESENTATION SCREEN: (Shows a red COMPETITIVE THREAT INDEX bar, starting with a slow rise and then spiking nearly straight up)

ALICE: When the threat index is used as an adjustment to our revenues — to hypothesize the financial damage that could be inflicted on us if our competitors are successful, we see a disturbing reduction in overall revenue.

PRESENTATION SCREEN: (Shows a green MODIFIED REVENUE bar that still climbs steeply, though not as steeply as in the previous slide, while the red EXPENSES bar remains the same)

ALICE: The only solution, as I see it, is to ruthlessly hunt down and destroy our competitors, leaving only the burnt-out husks of their corporate offices and filling the air with the lamentations of their stockholders.

PRESENTATION SCREEN: (Shows a steeply climbing green AGGRESSION bar, a sharply falling red COMPETITION bar, and a steeply climbing blue LAMENTATIONS bar)

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